The 13 best Google searches that have led you to me

Let’s have a little fun. My heart is feeling light because two of my most trusted beta readers are taking a look at my manuscript. Yes, I finally wrote “The End,” and ironically, it’s just the beginning. I’ve got 60,000+ words, but I’m not entirely sure I have a story, so my mother and my sister (they’re avid readers, OK? Do you want resumés? ) are reading Draft No. 1 to help me determine that.

I’m feeling giddy because either I have a piece of marble that simply needs chiseling, or I’ve got a sand sculpture that’s best left to the tides. In any case, I’ll know soon.

In the meantime, I scrolled through a bunch of writerly blogs, I stumbled on a gem from author Shannon A. Thompson (“You need the world, and the world needs good people”), and I’m going to blatantly copy her (“imitation is the sincerest form of flattery”).

If you have a blog, you know how the Dashboard page works. It conveniently sums up your brilliance in the form of statistics (only 3 people read that post? It was brilliant! Are they mad?! Or is the rest of the world?!). It tells you how many views you received today, yesterday and for all eternity, and even explains what viewers have Googled in order to find your website.

So I am sharing the creepiest, weirdest and most brilliant topics people have Googled to find my website, and I’m responding to them.

Top searches that have brought people to this blog are, not surprisingly, ones with some version of the title of my first memoir: “the percussionist’s wife,” “the percussionist wife,” “the percussionists wife” and a half-dozen other grammatically incorrect versions (this is a world where LOL passes for laughter, after all).

Others have been led here with some version of “monica lee,” “monica lee author,” “monica lee writer” and “mindful monica.” After that, it gets interesting.

Misdirected:

“monica lee on the voice” or some version of that: I’m not that Monica Leigh.

Close, but no cigar:

“monica wife ohio”: I lived in Ohio once. That was enough.

“crass humor”: Oh, really?

Creepy:

“monica lee public sex”: I’m on hiatus.

“wives for sale online”: If you have to ask, I’m too expensive.

“sexo com monika lee”: What is this sexo and does it involve commodities from an adult bookstore?

Brilliant:

“real wife blog”: That’s what I should have called this blog!

“divorce so the other can live happily”: Definitely.

“wife wrote a book about him”: Yup. Consider yourself warned.

Whahhhht?

“wrot li porn”: I’d know it when I see it.

“piko dinozaver knjiga v e obliki”: Are you talking dirty to me?

“don’t comment here tence”: Good advice. I think.

Weird:

“how to make salad with passive voice”: Chop into little pieces?

***

Thank you, Google. I think. Back when I was in newspapers, I cringed whenever a letter to the editor was directed at a story I wrote. But I learned to say: At least they’re reading me.

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